Job search got you down? To help lighten your mood, below are amusing (accidental, in most cases) comments that were actually written by job applicants during their searches for employment.
In a cover letter:
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I demand a salary commiserate with my expensive experience.”
In a resume:
“I was working for my Mom until she decided to move.”
“Marital status: Single, Unmarried, Unengaged, Uninvolved, No Commitments.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping.’ I have never quit a job.”
“Marital status: often. Children: various.”
“Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.”
Assorted tidbits people put under a “Personal” heading
(almost never a good idea, by the way):
“Donating blood – 14 gallons so far.”
One job applicant had a heading called “Pet Peeves” which included such things as
“lazy workers, know-it-alls, spicy foods, etc.”
Small typos can change the meaning:
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984”
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
“I’m a rabid typist.”
“Instrumental in ruining an entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”
“As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”
“Received a plaque for Salesperson of the Year.”
From performance evaluations:
“Since my last report this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
How to Respond to Those Dreaded “Rejection” Letters:
Dear Mr. Kennelly:
Thank you for your letter of April 17, which I must return. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your written refusal to offer my employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving several rejection letters, and it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. (Priority will be given to those hiring managers who are so kind as to call with the bad news).
Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm again in the near future.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
There… feel better?
Keep in mind that we can help you with all materials relevant to your job search, from cover letters to follow-up correspondence, leave-behinds, reference lists, and (hurray!) acceptance letters.
So contact us– we can help you say it the way you mean it!
Key to Job Description Terms
You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
Management won’t answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.
After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE K-K
We’ll offer you K to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON
If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
We loooooove brown nosers.
“Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.”
“If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success.”
– John D. Rockefeller
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
– Helen Keller
“You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-term failures.”
– Charles C. Noble
“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”
– Andre Gide
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
– Theodore Roosevelt
“Get happiness out of your work or you may never know what happiness is.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.”
– General George Patton
“Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.”
– H. Jackson Brown
“The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.”
– Japanese proverb
“A stumble may prevent a fall.”
– English proverb
“Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.”
– Roger C. Anderson
“Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.”
– B.C. Forbes
“Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art of all.”
– Andy Warhol
“Two important things are to have a genuine interest in people and to be kind to them.
Kindness, I’ve discovered, is everything.”
– Issac Bashevis Singer
“The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else.”
– Martina Navratilova